A Quiet Respite

So fascinating thing about being “different” is watching how different you are “allowed” to be by the people in your life.

I’m pan (sexual and romantic) poly for the most part (because labels, while nice, are not always all encompassing). Pan (I use Bi around my family because that is somewhat easier for them to grasp as terminology) was somewhat difficult for my family to understand. This was partially because I wasn’t straight, but I wasn’t quite gay. So no one save for my Bi-sexual aunt understood what my identity meant; fortunately she was decent at explaining it.

For the most part, save for my sister-in-law, everyone came to understand who I was and my relationship with my now wife. Apparently, based on hearsay alone, even my sister-in-law has started to understand my “way of life” and work into a place close to comfortable (but not quite).

Cool, so with the Pan part out of the way I decided to be “difficult” and throw another wrench into things: Polyamory.

Recently (within the last year) I’ve been dating a very nice guy that I will just refer to in this post as “boyfriend”. Boyfriend did not initially identify as poly but was still interested in dating me. Boyfriend was also insistent early on that he meet my now wife and hopeful to make a good impression on her. I agreed, mainly because my wife and I have a rule regarding meeting the other’s potential partners to make sure they’re really good people (because love blindness is a thing and we don’t want to see the other one get hurt).

Now, boyfriend, wife and myself are a triad (more or less, don’t think about it too much it’s a tad complicated) and we’re reasonably happy. We each still have personal hangups that affect the relationships, but we are all working through those as best as we can. We support each other, promote each other’s well being, comfort each other, and generally enjoy spending time together.

It works out great for us, but it apparently confuses my family.

Apparently the deciding factor in ones comfort is not always “whom” one is seeing romantically, but how many someones one is seeing romantically. To a degree, I can understand this. Society by this point has pushed the nuclear, single couple family so far everyone has deemed it to be some sort of natural law; as though the universe organizes everything into these little units and there is no breaking from it.

But one size does not fit all. The Universe is vast and ever expanding. There is much we do not yet know and some we will never come to know.

But, of course, as no one has the courage to be frank and honest with me and sit down for an adult discussion of “I’m uncomfortable but I also recognize you are not trying to hurt anyone so let’s work this thing out,” I’m left to hear of my “difficulty” second hand.

Cue Thanksgiving.

My mother, in an attempt to have all of her children (2 of her own, 2 step children she loves dearly) and their families under one roof, held a Thanksgiving Dinner. With this being a family affair, my brother brought his wife and their two children. I brought my wife and my boyfriend. We had, what I had believed to be, a nice dinner. We hung out for a little bit. We joked. Sister-in-law and I finally found “political” topics that we could agree on (specifically, that if you treat drug users as victims of mental illness attempting to self-medicate you could do more than we currently do treating them like criminals). We had dessert. Eventually the end of the night rolled around and the three of us went home.

The night had gone well; I thought.

No, as it turns out, the night had not gone well. Everyone outside of boyfriend, wife, and myself had felt awkward and uncomfortable. However, rather than confronting me about it they acted as though nothing was wrong. They lied to me. Whats worse, they made my mother feel bad; like she has to choose sides between her children.

Which, bless my mother.

My mom wants a few things: her kids to be happy and healthy, my brother and I to be close, to see her grandkids. She has supported me my entire life, as well as she could. She knew I was queer before I did and she was always reassuring that that was alright. She’s not perfect. She’s overprotective, and that has led to some boundary issues and some hurtful things said about aspects of my life that she didn’t quite understand at first. But she goes out of her way to do research on what she doesn’t understand. She asks questions and seeks out resources and tries to talk to me about things.

“As long as they’re not hurting themselves or anyone else, leave them alone.” – My mom; advice on when to “tattle” on others.

In an effort to broaden her understanding, she reached out to my Lesbian Aunt and her Wife (the Bisexual Aunt) but found that they’re response was roughly the same: uncomfortable. “I would be pissed if X had another partner.” “We’re gay, but we’re devoted to each other.” Same song, different lyrics. But she sees that I’m happy, she just can’t figure out how to explain my situation to everyone who is uncomfortable.

But it’s not her job to explain. It’s their job to do what she does: research.

I’m not religious, not in a practiced sense. I believe religion and spirituality are personal things and that your personal connection with whatever you believe in is more important than a series of rituals that become a dull routine that disconnects you from the true meaning of what you believe in. That’s not saying I think church is bad, if it works for you then great; I’m happy for you. I hope you feel fulfilled and enriched by your organized experience; but please understand that I will not be attending a building of organized religion in the near future and the idea of group practice makes me uneasy.

But I do, occasionally, research things regarding my Sister-In-Law’s religion.

It’s important to her, that practice, that system of beliefs. It’s a part of who she is and, in general, I don’t think that’s a terrible thing? Christianity overall has many positive messages about love and forgiveness and understanding. It claims there is something or somethings out there that love all of us. It’s about giving and looking out for one another. I can’t really quote the bible without help, but I know some old testament stories. I also know there are some nice websites for looking up verses and things when they’re brought up.

I also, you know, ask when I’m confused. I have a friend who knows a lot about Christianity. He’s a great resource for that kind of thing. He’s great at clarifying the things I don’t understand.

So…I guess what I’m really getting at here is that I’m upset that everyone would rather lie to me than tell me they have a problem. I’m mad that they’re not willing to put time into researching what the heck is going on in my life.

And I’m mad they think that my “lifestyle” is going to “confuse” their children or “contradict what they’re being taught”

And…I’m kind of….more mad that my LGBT family members feel about as far away and negative as my “normal” ones do.

Everyone draws the line in the sand. I just thought theirs would have been further away from where I settled down.